I do hate writing a ranty post when pregnant, but when everything is going ok I never feel the need to write. It’s usually when my mind feels burdened that I feel the words just want to come out. Sort of like having a journal I suppose and just needing somewhere to just get everything off your mind so you can close a chapter and move on.
Now please don’t take this post to mean I regret being pregnant because I don’t. And maybe from other posts you may be inclined to think this pregnancy is actually harder than my one with Little London.
But actually if I’m being honest, minus the obvious medical complications of this pregnancy I have actually much preferred being pregnant this time around.
Although I was never physically sick with my son when pregnant, the toll his pregnancy took on my body was just ridiculous. And it’s only now that I’m in my second pregnancy that I realise just how horrific it was first time around with him. The acid reflux, the constant back pain, the inability to walk because he was in essence trying to break my ribs, the low blood pressure that made me feel like I was going to faint the whole time added to the fact I never slept in my pregnancy with him, bar a few hours here or there.
This pregnancy I can’t complain. Yes I’ve had morning sickness and I’ve got gestational diabetes (which isn’t fun don’t get me wrong), but physically I’m much more capable. And I’m still getting good sleep at 32 weeks pregnant.
But, the hormones have just hit me full on.
In the world of gestational diabetes, the 32 week to 36 week mark is the hardest period to control your sugars because of the huge surge in hormones being produced.
While I’m still managing to control my diabetes through the most lack lustre diet, these hormones are very real and apply to all pregnant ladies. And I’m really starting to feel them.
I have no patience. Absolutely none. It’s like having PMT I suppose and not being in control of your emotions and just feeling really down about things- but unnecessarily so.
Things aren’t the easiest at home at the moment either, and I guess that puts added pressure on me right now. Not enough to warrant my negative feelings right now though.
Mr London Mum has been working on a film for the past 6 weeks. He’s been working long hours. 12/13 hour days are pretty much the standard and he’s working 6 days a week. It’s easier for him to just stay near location during the week than it is for him to come home to just sleep and wake up to be on set early morning again.
He gets tomorrow off actually, so tonight he’ll come home around 10pm maybe 11pm, and then we’ll have one day together where most of it will be spent with him sleeping because he’s exhausted and the toddler trying to get daddy to play. And then he’ll go to bed early because he has to be up ready to drive back to location the next day. And I’m back to being alone and sole parenting.
Now I love my son like only a mother can understand. He’s my world. But when there’s a lack of help at home and hormones going wild, a toddler is just unbearable.
I feel bad for saying it, because maybe he’s actually ok. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with his behaviour at all. Perhaps the hormones are just making me overly sensitive and as a result he’s taking the brunt of my lack of patience (which has included me putting all his toys in a bin bag to take to the charity shop because he didn’t put them away when asked about 10 times).
The frustrating thing is I know I’m not in control of how I feel right now. I go to bed and I feel awful. I stand over my sons crib and want to wake him up to say I’m so sorry for mummy being angry. And although I have told him during the day I’m not sure a 3-year-old quite grasps the concept of hormones. (Although his toys from the bin bag are slowly making their way one by one back into his toy box when he doesn’t realise).
When he asks me if ‘mummy is happy’ it literally breaks my heart because it really isn’t his fault. I’m just not in a rational place and to him I’m just forever angry. He’ll try to hug and kiss me, but if I’m being honest him hanging off me frustrates me too, even though I know he’s not trying to be difficult, he’s just trying to make me feel better. I feel like the worst mum. One day I’ll regret not taking every cuddle and kiss I can, but it’s just too much for me right now. I’m in need of my space.
And then when I get my space I just want my son to occupy the gap next to me. I’m just so up and down. I could literally burst into tears at the drop of a pin.
With PMT at least after a few days the feelings go. I have another 4 weeks minimum to try to get hold of these hormones and try to control them.
Luckily Mr London Mum is finishing this job next week, and I hope just having someone else around to help me when I’m stressed or not dealing with parenting will help me out emotionally no end.
I need to just spend precious time with my son too, so he feels like I still love him. I don’t want him to ever feel like he has to question it. And with my behaviour I can’t see how he can’t question it. I need him to know that he’s my baby and he always will be. Time is ticking with just the two of us, and I feel like I’m ruining our last moments.
What I’m scared of most is not getting a grasp of these hormones and spiralling into PND when the baby arrives. Maybe the two aren’t even associated. But the thought has crossed my mind.
These hormones can just go and do one.